Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
