i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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