Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
