if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
