i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
