gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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