My liver just broke up with me...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
