I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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