Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
