I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
