I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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