I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
