U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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