My pussy is not your playground.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
