Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
