every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
