Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
