I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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