Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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