Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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