Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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