I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
