problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
