if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
