A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
