you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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