wat bout pragnant strippers??
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
