im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
