she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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