i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
