Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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