Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
