Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was confusing and full of hummus
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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