what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
