Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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