we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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