he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
