Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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