Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm sobbing to NWA
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
