Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
