The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
