Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
