Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
