i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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