I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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