don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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