He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
