dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
