Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
