it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
