I will die if light touches me.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
